Writers’ Showcase

THIRTEEN TYPES OF ZOOMERS

by elizabeth reed

Zoom meetings. Zoom Conferences. Zoom webinars. You’ve seen them-the Zoomers. You’ve heard them. Just don’t be them.

  1. The Yeller shouts like a person using a telephone for the first time.
  2. The I CAN’T HEAR YOU Insister thinks volume level is a byproduct of how you are projecting your voice and has nothing to do with their volume controls.
  3. The Shaker holds his laptop/tablet on his lap. The slightest movement causes a digital earthquake.
  4. The Zoomer searches for the perfect device position all through the meeting, moving closer, closer, oops-too close, back off, a little more, too far, bring it in.
  5. The Silhouette ignores advice about backlighting because she likes sitting with the sun on her back.
  6. The Icon’s video screen displays the Anonymous Person icon and you hear “How do I turn the video on?” repeatedly.
  7. The Snacker– munch crunch, lunch, brunch- gross.
  8. The Facer places the device closeup on a low surface, exhibiting every wrinkle ad skin tag you wish you’d never seen.
  9. The Mover gets up to fetch a pillow, put water on for tea, grab a pen, reel in the charger cable, make the tea.
  10. The Crasher didn’t count on the pet cat jumping onto the table that used to hold the now cracked cell phone lying on the hardwood floor.
  11. The Unfashionista is no longer the vogue fashion plate you’re used to seeing in a meeting. You now have the dull grey sweat-suiter.
  12. The Parental Distancer flails her arms, turns to invisible, noisy, little family members and hisses there will be no dessert if they don’t leave the room this instant. Now.
  13. The Pokers lean into the screen pointing their giant-sized fingers at the screen while mumbling how do I exit this blasted meeting.