The Short Humour Site
THIRTEEN TYPES OF ZOOMERS
by elizabeth reed
July 8, 2020
Zoom meetings. Zoom Conferences. Zoom webinars. You’ve seen them-the Zoomers. You’ve heard them. Just don’t be them.
- The Yeller shouts like a person using a telephone for the first time.
- The I CAN’T HEAR YOU Insister thinks volume level is a byproduct of how you are projecting your voice and has nothing to do with their volume controls.
- The Shaker holds his laptop/tablet on his lap. The slightest movement causes a digital earthquake.
- The Zoomer searches for the perfect device position all through the meeting, moving closer, closer, oops-too close, back off, a little more, too far, bring it in.
- The Silhouette ignores advice about backlighting because she likes sitting with the sun on her back.
- The Icon’s video screen displays the Anonymous Person icon and you hear “How do I turn the video on?” repeatedly.
- The Snacker– munch crunch, lunch, brunch- gross.
- The Facer places the device closeup on a low surface, exhibiting every wrinkle and skin tag you wish you’d never seen.
- The Mover gets up to fetch a pillow, put water on for tea, grab a pen, reel in the charger cable, make the tea.
- The Crasher didn’t count on the pet cat jumping onto the table that used to hold the now cracked cell phone lying on the hardwood floor.
- The Unfashionista is no longer the vogue fashion plate you’re used to seeing in a meeting. You now have the dull grey sweat-suiter.
- The Parental Distancer flails her arms, turns to invisible, noisy, little family members and hisses there will be no dessert if they don’t leave the room this instant. Now.
- The Pokers lean into the screen pointing their giant-sized fingers at the screen while mumbling how do I exit this blasted meeting.